I know I promised another installment of the Guatemala story, but I have a new story to share first. You had no idea how much patience I was going to ask from you. Although, if you know me at all, you already knew it takes great patience from you, when you’re on MY schedule.

A few months ago I listened to a sermon from our pastor, Robert Morris, where he told us that every year he asks for and receives a birthday gift from God. I thought that was such an awesome idea. I mean, who gives better gifts than God? I bet it would always be the right size and everything. So God reminded me, “you know, you could ask me for one too.” But of course, instead of graciously accepting that, I had to argue first. “No, that’s his thing. It’s his story, and I liked it, but that’s ok. We’ll see. (which even my youngest knows means “no”) It’s not my birthday yet anyway.” I mean, seriously, I turned it down. Don’t quit reading yet though, I’m not terminally stupid, I did take Him up on the offer later.

Ever since that day, He kept questioning me, “Why don’t you ever ask Me for anything?” And then he started just telling me to ask Him for something….anything. I feel like I did as a kid the first time my grandpa took me to the ice cream shop and told me to order anything I wanted. “Anything?” It wasn’t even my birthday. “Yes, anything!” I ordered an orange sherbet, single scoop. I didn’t even get two scoops. I could have had a huge sundae with three scoops, hot fudge, whipped cream and sprinkles, but I didn’t ask. It was just too much pressure, and I didn’t want to ask for too much. I understand now that he WANTED me to ask for too much. He wanted to indulge my heart’s desires, and put a huge smile on my face. He wanted to take me back to my parents with a story to tell about what my grandpa had done for me. God wants the same things for me, and I didn’t even realize that until right now, as I remembered that day in the ice cream shop. He’s been begging me to ask for something. “Yes, anything!”

Each time He has told me to ask for something, I’ve tried to come up with the right thing. God must get so tired of me only asking for the right things. For His will to be done. For things for other people. Each time He’s so gracious, but I can almost feel Him roll his eyes at me, the way my grandpa did that day. “OK, you can have that too, but ask me for more…for something else…something for you…something you want.” And every time I can’t help thinking that I already have so much. It seems so selfish to ask for more.

I even started asking for spiritual gifts. Those seemed like the right kinds of things to ask God for. I especially want the gift of prophesy. How cool would that be? To be able to tell people things that you have absolutely no way of knowing about, in miraculous detail, and using that information to encourage and inspire them to new levels in their lives. Nothing could give me more joy than that. I just knew I was finally on the right track with that request. And again, He rolled His eyes at me. “Ask me for something you don’t already have.” OK, I’m not a prophet or anything, but I knew what He meant. I have spiritual gifts, whether I’ve unwrapped them and learned how to use them all or not.

So what do I want, that I don’t have already?? And then it hit me. I don’t have a job after April 22nd. He has promised me some rest, but how am I supposed to rest if I’m worried about what time I need to wake up? Have you ever tried to take a nap when you knew you only had a few minutes? I always have to set the alarm, otherwise my eyes are open looking at the clock every minute. God, I want to know when to set the alarm for. I want to know when my next job will start, so that I can rest peacefully.

I didn’t get a direct answer on that one at first. Instead, He asked me how long I wanted to rest. And, as I’ve told everyone, I really want to take the summer off, while my kids are out of school. So May, June, July, and August would be my rest, and in September, I’d like to go back to work. He wasn’t satisfied with September. That was too general. He gave me an actual date. Even as I type this, I’m hesitant to put it out there so boldly. I wanted to say that I will have a new job that starts by that date, or around that date. God reminded me that He doesn’t need any wiggle room, and that I can count on Him to show up and do what He says.

So my next job will start ON September 1st….which just happens to be my birthday. And there’s my whole package from God. Do you see it there all wrapped up nicely, with a big bow (or cherry) on top? The rest that He had already promised, now with newfound peace as well? The guidance about which will be the right job for me to accept? The new job itself? The gift of prophecy? My heart’s desires, the smile on my face, and the story to tell about what my Father has done for me? His birthday gift to me. He really does give the best gifts, and He’d like to give one to you too. What are you going to ask Him for?

I’m having a difficult time with this post. I’ve said all over my blog, and everywhere else that people stop to read what I write, I’m GREAT at being imperfect. Practically im-perfect in every way. But this time I have a story to share where I…no, not I…where He transcends my imperfections. It’s about God’s grace and what it truly says about who we are. Who we are as God’s children. Who we are in His eyes.

This is about how God sees all of us who believe in His Son. Not how we, with our imperfect eyes, hone in with laser precision on the imperfections in everyone else, and most especially the imperfections in ourselves. This is a story that dispels the lies that leave us feeling worthless and inadequate.

During a class at church last week, we were asked to take a few minutes and ask God to show us how He sees us. We did, and this was His answer, spoken to me through the whisper of The Holy Spirit. It starts like every great story should…Once Upon A Time…

High in the clouds, there was nothing but misty haze reflecting the beautiful light as far as the eye could see. I wandered up to a gate. It was a sparkling gate of gold and jewels. (This is my story, of course it’s sparkling and resembles jewelry…and a little cliche….but just go with it for a minute.) That’s basically what God had to say to me at this point in my prayer. I just wasn’t into it. I mean, pearly gates? Really? I’m evidently not getting it. But “just go with it”, He prompted me. So I continued.

As I walked through the gates (YES!! Cha-ching!! I made it through!!)(yeah, I know, but the scene was lame, I had to keep myself entertained) …anyway, as I walked through the gates, I could see a castle in the distance. A castle too??? We’ll just have this prayer some other time. My head is obviously in the clouds…literally. “Just go with it”, He prompted me again. And the castle drew me in. So what? I like castles. I can live with being a little cheesy. I happen to like cheese too.

Next, I imagined what one of God’s children would look like. Running irreverently through the castle, because he OWNED the place. Just a free spirit. And then I heard as clearly as I’ve heard anything, “You’re NOT a little boy”. Wow….I wasn’t picturing how God sees ME. I was picturing this anonymous “child of God”. So where am I in this castle?

I searched the many rooms, and then I found me. But that couldn’t really be me, could it? Can I even hope to be the real princess that I always wanted to be?? And I saw me there. ME! As a young child…innocent, and full of joy. And I heard the Holy Spirit whisper this line from Sleeping Beauty — “she was so lovely, modest, sweet, and kind and clever, that no one who saw her could help loving her.”

I was there in the castle with My Father. He cherishes His princess, and so do the people of His Kingdom, because of who HE is. And He wanted me to know this. I needed to know this. It changes who I am here on earth. I was created as a princess, and raised with the grace, and loving mercy that a princess exudes. I really am His princess, and I get to feel like His princess every time I’m in His presence. Nothing I’ve ever done in this world can change that. And that makes me want to stay in His presence more, living out that innocence and grace. And living in this world as my Father’s princess…who I always knew in my heart I was designed to be.

So now wouldn’t you love to ask God how He sees YOU? The real you that HE created. Not the person that this world turned you into. Please share with me how He answers you.

“ya got change”
No. You hungry?
“yes.”

{she picked up her life and we walked across the street.}

Order whatever.
“why?”
Cause God said he loves you and kept his promise to provide. He didn’t forget you.

{she had a coupon someone threw at her. Wonder if they enjoyed their $5 coffee? %$!*#}

I paid for her meal, said goodbye, turned for one last glance outside…she had been given napkins to wipe her tears. Folks – it takes but a minute to get your head out of your backside to change someone’s atmosphere and offer hope. Notice others around you please. Count your blessings it isn’t you.

I wish I could say that the story above is one of mine, but sadly, for me, it isn’t. It’s a story borrowed from a beautiful friend of mine, Debby. (If you’re ever at the Doubletree Hotel – Galleria in Houston, ask for her. She’s a joy to get to know. As you can see, she has a wonderful Light that shines in our world.)

I’m sad that this isn’t one of my stories…but it COULD have been. Given a similar opportunity, I made a different choice. Actually, I made NO choice…but I COULD have. The man that God brought into my path the other day didn’t hear from me that God hasn’t forgotten him…but he COULD have.

“she picked up her life and we walked across the street.” Those words just knocked me down when I read them. God was talking to me with those words. Just imagine being able to carry your entire life in one trip across the street. It would have to make you feel small.

In her story, Debby didn’t capitalize the first letter of the hungry woman’s sentences…not even when describing her actions. I’m not picking on her writing skills. Debby used this to illustrate the way the hungry woman feels. She feels small…so small that her words and actions are not important enough to require a capital letter…not even significant enough to bother with holding down the <shift> key for a split second.

I was reminded of the man I saw in the $5 coffee store last week. God was definitely talking to me with Debby’s words. I was sitting there reading my Bible…yes, my Bible…and I don’t like having to admit that. Reading my Bible, but not LIVING my Bible. It stings. I noticed the man sitting near me. How could I not notice him? He kinda stood out. It’s been bitterly cold here lately. He was bundled in a heavy coat over several other layers and wearing a knit cap. He had a scraggly beard. He was unkempt. He definitely didn’t fit in at the $5 coffee store.

I was feeling a little “Christian”, sitting there reading my Bible and all. I thought about buying the man a coffee, but noticed he already had one. Then I thought maybe he wasn’t homeless…maybe he wasn’t cold. I couldn’t decide what to do. I didn’t want to offend him. So, offending him in the greatest way I could, I ignored him. I just kept thinking about him. I don’t know his story (because I didn’t bother to ask), but I do remember how he looked. He looked like he felt small. He looked hungry.

I wanted to smile at him. I thought maybe I could let him know that not everyone recoils just because he’s sitting nearby. (At least I wasn’t going to recoil this time.) But he never made eye contact with me. I’m sure he had learned through countless rejections, not to make eye contact with the women there. The women who can afford to lounge at the $5 coffee store and read their Bibles, wearing only a light jacket on the coldest day of the year because they only walk a few feet from the warm comfort of their SUV’s. He knows better than to make eye contact with those women.

So with no opportunity to smile…well, no opportunity to react with a smile…I did nothing. Any opportunity I had, would have required an action on my part…not a reaction. Instead, I convinced myself that he probably wasn’t needy anyway. After all, he was drinking a $5 coffee too. But who isn’t needy for God? It didn’t occur to me until later that someone, like Debby, might have given him a card to buy the coffee, and warm his day, and hopefully his heart.

I missed the opportunity the God had presented me with. I missed the opportunity to make sure that he didn’t feel as cold on the inside of that store as he had on the outside. I WANTED to give him God’s message, but I didn’t understand what the message was. Because I didn’t understand what his need was. Because I didn’t bother to just ask, “You hungry?” Of course he was hungry. Hungry for food or not, he was hungry to hear that God loves him and provides for him. And that God hasn’t forgotten him. We’re ALL hungry for that. You don’t have to look homeless to need that message.

Debby’s words and actions with the hungry woman were so simple. I thank God for people like Debby. Who can meet people’s needs when I fail. Who can deliver the messages that are lost with me. And who can teach me, by their example, how to do the same.

There are times that I feel like something in my life is holding me back.  I don’t know why I’m being held back.  I might not even know what is doing it.  Even if I do know what it is, I sure don’t know exactly what it is that I’m being held back from.  But I know SOMETHING is in my way. And that something looks…well, a lot like looking in the mirror.

My thoughts hold me captive complacent.  There’s something there that I just don’t want to disturb…most of the time.  But every once in awhile, I get really brave.

On one such occasion Jon was away on business.  I was ready to hunt down that elusive somethingness. (Yes, of course it’s a word).

I got really quiet so that I could sneak up and get a good look at what’s inside my head that I’m so afraid of…so afraid that I’ll find anything to do to avoid it.  If I don’t drink until I fall asleep, I watch TV, or work, or munch, or read or anything at all until I’m so tired that I know I won’t have any time for thoughts before I sleep.

But not this night.  For the first time that I could remember since childhood bedtimes, I laid down before I was tired, all by myself, with the lights and tv off.

It was illuminating there in the dark.  Lights out was at 10:45…way early for me still.  I used a technique that I had read about where you take a physical inventory when emotions are running strong.  That night it was anxiety.

Yeah, a knot in the stomach, lump in the throat, teeth are clenched, every muscle in my body is tense.  I laid there and just felt it for a few minutes, and you know, I was still ok.  It’s ok if I feel anxious, it doesn’t really hurt me.  So then I started asking myself the why’s.

Why am I so anxious?  And all the things that are left undone started running through my head.  Work that people are expecting from me this morning that’s not finished (still).  Laundry that I had intended to hang up that’s laying in a basket in the laundry room growing more wrinkled every minute.  And more, many more.

Every one of them was a little failure. Some stirred up more anxiety than others.  When it got to be too much I’d go back to the physical inventory, double check. Yep knot in the stomach, etc, and I’m STILL ok.  And I’d wait it out.  OK, so I knew what I was so anxious about, time for the next why.

Why am I so anxious about this stuff?  It’s little stuff, and I’m not perfect, so what??  Well, people are gonna be unhappy with me today.  Actually, that’s not even true, somebody MIGHT be unhappy with me today.  And I might have to face their disapproval.  Or avoid it, or something.

Why does that bother me so much?  So they’re unhappy.  If they’re legitimately disappointed in something I didn’t do that I should have, then apologize and do better.  If they’re just being unreasonable let them live in their own unhappiness.  Either way just let it go.

Why does that seem impossible?  Because if they’re unhappy they might confront me, worse yet, they might confront me in front of other people.

Why is that so bad?  I’m a smart girl.  I think quickly on my feet.  I can handle confrontation.  So really, what’s the big deal?  And in an instant I had the real answer.  All the times I backed away from confrontation and why. Somebody might get mad at me and call me fat.  And right in front of other people too.  That would be more than I could possibly handle.  That can’t happen to me even one more time.

And I just cried for a long time.  No thoughts really, just tears.

Then when the tears slowed down, I started praying and listening.  I don’t know who all sent prayers of comfort and peace my way that night, but I want to let you know I felt them, and they were answered.

I was reminded of a night not long before when Jon and I had one of those special moments of togetherness.  We were cuddled up and he was just talking to me…I don’t even remember about what.  And I remember telling him that if he talked to me just like that every night that I’d never want another drink to fall asleep.  Of course we both laughed about his talking putting me to sleep, but he knew what I meant.

That night, the night of the hunter, God told me that HE could just talk to me like that every night, and I’d really never need another drink to fall asleep.  He reminded me that He’s always there, and I can just talk to Him as long as I want to until I fall asleep.  And I don’t have to be afraid.

He watched over me as I slept that night.  It was a very sleepless night.  I had forgotten how much trouble I have sleeping without medication or alcohol.  I woke up about once an hour, and every single time the first thing I heard in my head wasn’t the anxiety and the list of undone stuff.  It was His voice saying, “I’m still here.  It’s ok.  Go back to sleep.”

I didn’t always fall right back to sleep, but the tapes playing over and over in my head that night weren’t my list of failures.  It was a silly little song, by Bob Marley.  I knew nothing of the song before that night, but it sure brought me a lot of peace.  ”This is my message to you…  Don’t worry…about a thing….cause every little thing’s…gonna be alright”.  The name of the song is Three Little Birds, which is the inspiration for this blog.  See them?  They’re sitting right up there at the top.

I couldn’t have imagined what that night would mean for my future, but I knew I wouldn’t be afraid to go to sleep again.

It’s been a long time a-comin’, but I’m finally publishing my first real blog post.  As you’ll soon learn, if you ever come back, I usually start out with a little paragraph talking about what I’m going to talk about later.  Actually, most of the time it’s just like this…talking about absolutely nothing while I warm up for talking about something.  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Several years ago, as I was sitting in church listening to our pastor preach about, well…something, I’m sure…I remember wondering why I didn’t have any cool stories to tell like his.  Just about that time, God heard my thoughts drifting from the sermon (evidenced by the fact that I don’t remember it), and spoke some words directly to me, right through our pastor.  ”If you want to see God’s miracles, start by obeying Him.”  Now that’s probably not a direct quote, but that was the gist of it.

That same service they announced that they would be collecting a special offering over the next few weeks for something else that I don’t remember.  I should probably write these cool stories down closer to when they happened.  (My first lesson learned in blogging)  Anyway, here’s the part I’ll never forget…I asked God how much He wanted me to give in that offering.  He reminded me of the credit union account I had through my job.  There wasn’t much money in it.  The only reason I had the account was that there was a branch in our office building, and I could get the cash out if I needed a few dollars while I was at work.  He told me to give the balance of that account.  Easy enough, $42.38.

Not accustomed to obeying God specifically, I thought about rounding it up to an even amount, $60.  I had that much with me.  But remembering the pastor’s words (then, if not now), I knew I should give the exact balance.  That meant I couldn’t just put it in the offering box while I was there.  I had to wait until I could get the exact change. When I had the right dollar amount the next morning, $43, I was tempted to round up the cents, and drop off the money.  But no, I knew I HAD to obey specifically.  So I went and got change for a dollar before stopping by the church the next morning on the way to work.  I dropped off the exact amount, $42.38.

Then I waited…and wondered. He didn’t keep me waiting long.  I guess He knew at that point in my life I was short on faith, and attention span.

That afternoon one of my co-workers asked me for 62 cents.  He was a few cents short for something.  I looked in my purse and there it was…the remaining change from the dollar that morning….exactly 62 cents.  In that little act of specific obedience, God showed me my first tiny miracle. It was a small act of obedience, and an even smaller amount of money, but a huge lesson in learning to listen to and obey God, specifically.  It was also my first of many, many cool stories God gave me to share.

Yes, this blog’s been a long time a-comin’.

Long Time Comin

Third Day

Well I’ve been taking it all for granted
Everything that I, have been givin’
Now it is the day, to start my mission
It’s been a long time a comin’

There are many, searching for answers
Tell me who am I, to keep it to myself?
I’ve grown weary of my own fears
It’s been a long time a comin’

Chorus:
Well I’ve been running just like an outlaw
And I am willing and able
To give you something that you can believe on
It’s been a long time a comin’

True believers,
Have been staring, up into the sky
Waiting for your return
And I know one day
The clouds will roll down
It’s been a long time comin’